My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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