I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
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Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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