No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think i got beer on your cat.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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