No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
