It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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