Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The air was thick with penises
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
