We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
