I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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