Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
