I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
