if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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