Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
