She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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