$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
