Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
