Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
