I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
