I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
