I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I have fence marks all over my body
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
