fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize