im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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