Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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