I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I know her cup size but not her name....
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