I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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