I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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