You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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