she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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