I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The struggles of a small town man whore
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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