My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
