He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
