I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
