woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We have started to decorate penises.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
