Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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