i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
