No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
