i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
