Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
