Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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