stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
thus making me awesome and them whores
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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