Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think your dad took our porno
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
