Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Couch. On fire.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
