i think my tv is drunk
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
