i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
