Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
