she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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