dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
