I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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