So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
