I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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