Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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