U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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