I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
