You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
