just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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