everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
