Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I smell like Dick and happiness
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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