Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
