i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
