I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
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So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!