You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm fucking your sister right now.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today