I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
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Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
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We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?