i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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