i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
