They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
