He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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